Kids Take Flight During Birds and Bees Talk

Adults Only-Nieces Nephews Turn Back, Scribbles by Viv, , , , , , , ,

For a society and culture that seems to be obsessed with sexuality — and why does the word sexuality sound so much less dirty than the word sex? — we sure are squeamish when it comes to talking about it.

As the mother of four, I was always squeamish when it came to having The Talk with The Kids.

Girl First and Only was always shy and soft-spoken and would turn red if I even mentioned s-e-x. Son No. 1 , who was four years younger than his sis, would wait until we were at the dinner table and ask matter-of-factly, “What is masturbation?” or “What is oral sex?” while his sister groaned loudly and buried her head in her mashed potatoes and peas.

I would answer Son No. 1’s questions the best I could and sneak into Girl First and Only’s bedroom and leave pamphlets with titles like, “Why does Alexandria’s Changing Body Need Supportive Underwear?”

I think it worked. They both had children after they married.

My two youngest sons were born 16 years after Girl First and Only and were 9 and 11 when I decided we would have The Talk in the middle of an Italian feast I had prepared for the occasion.

I explained that pasta should always be cooked al dente´ and that parmesan was always better when freshly grated while casually peppering the conversation with words like “condiments,” “penal code,” “Uranus,” “hoagie buns,” “gesticulate” and “titmouse.”

Both boys got that panicked-deer-in-the-headlights look, jammed their fingers in their ears, jumped up from the table and ran screaming from the kitchen — just as I was about to embark on a lively debate of the virtues of mascerating versus marinating.

Several times after that, I again tried to have The Talk with the boys, to no avail.

I resorted to leaving copies of books like, “What’s Up With Alexander’s Suddenly Hairy, Pimply Body?” on their unmade bunk beds and hoped for the best.

A few years later, Son No. 2 fell in love (again) and it became obvious that I had missed the window on having The Talk or taking them on those field trips to Intercourse, Pennsylvania and Bangkok, Thailand.

One day, I nonchalantly walked into the living room while Son No. 2 and The Girl were supposedly watching TV.  The Girl — a pretty, coquettish thing — was reclining on the sofa and arranged across my son’s lap like an after church all-you-can-eat smorgasbord.

My son gave me a sheepish grin.

Remaining very calm, I wedged in next to them, forcing The Girl to sit up.

A few awkward minutes later, they got up and headed for the upstairs.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To my room to watch a movie,” Son No. 2 replied.

Visions of tiny, eager swimming sperm and coquettish, seductive eggs that I had seen in a grainy cartoon-version of “Health and Human Reproduction” in tenth grade flashed through my head.

Baby Boy — aka Son No. 3 — who was standing nearby, snickered.

“I prefer you watch it down here, in the living room,” I said calmly.

“Yeah, not in your BED–room,” Baby Boy  sang while leering and moving his prepubescent pelvis suggestively.

Son No. 2 punched his brother, who punched him back while The Girl giggled.

The next weekend The Girl was back. When I peeked into the living room on my every-four-minute-sex-check-watch, they were locked in a lip embrace.

“What are you guys doing?” I asked, because that’s the only thing I could think of to ask.

Unlike Son No. 1 and Baby Boy, Girl First and Only and No. 2 Son had never quite mastered the art of the well-executed lie.

“Kissing. Why? Why did you think we were doing?”

Geesh. What did I think?

I thought The Girl’s cute, little belly button was hanging out of her too-short shirt and too-low pants and showing a little too much skin.

I thought that her mother had obviously also missed the window on having The Talk.

I thought that Alexander’s book should have included a warning about young, limber girls who practice yoga in the smorgasbord position.

I thought I should at least pretend to  trust him.

But not too much.

I forced myself to go to another room, but not before slipping Baby Boy, almost 13, a crisp five-dollar bill with whispered orders that he was to stay in the living room and keep an eye on his brother and The Girl.

Later, Baby Boy came to update me on The Situation.

“What are they doing?” I asked.

“Just watching TV,” he said, then added, “Boy, is she hot! When they break up, I’m gonna ask her out.”

That’s when I snatched my five back.

I needed it to pay for my anti-anxiety drugs.

.

Post-it Parenting: Raising Kids by the Letter

Scribbles by Viv, , , , ,

Due to busy and conflicting schedules, and because I was a working, single mom for many years, my children and I had to take a lot of shortcuts.

Shortcuts, by the way, is Latin for “single parent.”

We communicated by writing a lot of notes to each other. After deciding in fifth grade that I was a writer, it just seemed logical to communicate with my offspring through the written word.

Mom, Please don’t take the trampoline down. We are still using it. Thanks. –Chris

During summers, when the kids were out of school, those notes turned into a Tolstoy novel.

As I often remind my kids — it could be worse. What if I was a professional roller derby athlete? Those women don’t mess around with leaving notes. When their kids misbehave, I’m sure it’s a quick elbow to the guts or an expertly maneuvered roll over the shins that brings them to their senses. And knees.

I prefer jotting over jabbing, which goes something like this:

Kids: Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful. All of the bath towels are missing. Find them and put them in the laundry room. ALL of the glasses and cups are missing. Find them. Wash them. Use dish soap, not bar soap like last time. The principal called. Do not wear my Stray Dog Tavern T-shirt to school again. You know better.  Return it to me at once! One of you see if Grandma needs her yard mowed. Don’t take any money for doing it, no matter what she says. Love you, Mom.

P.S. ALL glasses, cups and towels must be recovered or no allowances this weekend.

Mom, Jumped off a cliff today. Kidding. Ha. –Ben

Mom, Jammin’ at Steve-O’s. No towels in my room. I’ll check my car and trunk later. Promise. All the glasses from my room are in the sink. Ben took the rest. I had to go to work and did not have time to wash them. Make Ben do it. I need $5 for gas. Took it from the money jar. My check was short this week. I’ll pay you back. Promise. Love you. Don’t have your shirt. Ben probably stole it. — Chris

Mom, I mowed Grandma’s yard, so I did not have time to look for glasses and towels. Chris didn’t do anything. I do everything. Can I borrow $5? I’ll pay you back. Promise. Gatt’s dad is taking us to Hooter’s. We can go in cause we’re not drinking beer or nothing and Gatt’s dad said the buffalo wings are good. Harpo borrowed your dog drinking shirt. I told him to bring it back. Love, Ben

P.S. Grandma MADE me take some money. I begged her not to.

Boys: Chris, get my towels out of your car! AND the glasses and cups. No jammin’ with Steve-O today until your chores are done. Do not take your guitar amps outside. The neighbor will call the cops again. Ben, stop taking my white socks! Do your own laundry – you learned how in 4-H last year, remember? No going to Hooter’s. The wings, among other things, are not real. We’ll talk later. Get my dog bar shirt back from Harpo and do not loan my clothing to your friends. Beaner still has my Life is a Beach hat. Get that back, too. Love you guys. Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful. — Mom

Mom, Can I go to the Withered Craniums Morgue concert in Cincinnati this weekend? I’ll do all my jobs. Promise. I’ll be good. And respectful. Can I borrow $55 for the ticket? I’ll pay you back. Promise. Harpo’s mom called for you. All the glasses and cups are back in the cupboards. I found all the dirty towels in the upstairs closet. Ben should have to wash them cause he put them there. I didn’t. I should get a reward for finding them. $55 would be good. Love, Chris

Mom, All my socks are gone. Chris stole them. He’s a but. Went to Hooter’s. Kidding. Ha. Can I spend the night and watch movies at Murk’s and Mel’s Saturday? Took $2 out of money jar. Will pay you back. Promise. Chris is letting me practice drive in the driveway. There’s a lot of glasses and cups in his car. There was one under my foot and I almost drove into the neighbor’s house. I’ll be 16 in 2 years, you know. Did you hide some pop? Where? Love, Ben.

Chris: Cincinnati?! I don’t think so. Cincinnati is a BIG city. Besides, for $55, it should be the Rolling Stones or Beatles, not the Shriveled Deadheads or whoever. We’ll talk later. If you have Ben’s socks, give them back — he’s wearing mine. Do your laundry! Feed the cat! —Mom

Ben: Butt has two ts, BUT don’t call people that. Yes, I hid the pop. Look up the meaning of “hide” in Webster’s. Also hid the money jar. By the way, is Mel Murk’s brother or is Mel Murk’s sister? You are too young to date. You know that. No more overnights at Murk’s if Mel is a girl. We’ll talk later. Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful, especially to Mel. —Mom

Mom: Aren’t the Beatles dead? Are the Rolling Pepples those old guys with bad skin? The Withered Craniums Morgue is so much awesomer! I can drive to Cincinnati. I have a map. I will be 18 next summer. You had a baby and lived in California when you were 18. I must go to that concert! Please? I’ll be good. And respectful. I won’t have a baby. Please? Can I borrow $20 for gas? I think Ben stole my money. I can’t find the money jar. I think he stole that, too. I’ll pay you back. Promise. —Chris.

Mom, Chris stole my new DVD. He’s a butt with two ts. Mel is a guy, Murk and Gatt are girls. Ha. Kidding. I found the pop in the dryer. Bet you thought I’d never find it there? I was looking for some money. I only drank two. Chris stole the rest. Going to mall with Gatt. Harpo’s grounded and he can’t go. I’ll be good. —Ben

P.S. Who’s Webster?

BOYS!! Harpo’s mom is mad. We’ll talk later. You guys are in trouble. I strongly suggest you do ALL of the chores on your list.

Chris: I was married, living in California and had your sister three weeks before I turned 19! But I was never allowed to drive to a rock concert in Cincinnati at that age. The Rolling Stones are TRUE rock and roll. Never speak ill of them again or you’re grounded! Why are you are spending so much on gas? You work two blocks away.

Ben: I found your new DVD – the one you accused Chris of stealing — in my sock drawer … WHO DRANK ALL THE POP? It’s gone. Saying “but with two ts” is no less rude. Keep the house clean. Be good. Be respectful.

Love, Mom.

P.S. No glasses in the cupboard AGAIN. Find them! Today! Wash them!

By Viv Sade

Originally published June 24, 2005.

When it Comes to Creating Passwords, I’ll Pass

Scribbles by Viv, , , , ,

by Viv Sade

When my oldest son — who works in security in Washington, D.C.— comes to visit, he is always completely aghast at my total lack of anything remotely resembling security.

web1_9.16-CBN-viv-column-2c-c
Identity theft can happen to anyone who is not aware.

He runs around securing the premises every night, locking doors, planning the escape route in case of a midnight emergency, stocking up on bottled water and 20-pound cans of beans and wearing cammo and SWAT gear to take out my garbage.

Normally, my nightly security routine consists of getting up at 2 a.m. and shutting the front door after I fall asleep on the couch watching “Intervention.”

What drives my son the craziest, though, is a document on my computer desktop titled “PASSWORDS.”

Actually, there are now two documents — one entitled “NEW PASSWORDS” and another called “OLD PASSWORDS.”

“Mom,” he admonishes, “Tell me you do not put your passwords to every account you have out there for the whole world to see?!”

So I tell him, “Don’t be silly. Of course I don’t. I’ve never had the whole world stop by and want to use my computer. Just you or one of the other kids.”

My kids know better than to try and steal my credit or lack thereof. And God help any thief who swipes my identity. The joke is clearly on him. He’s not laughing all the way to the bank. The bank is laughing him all the way out of the bank.

The problem is that I often forget my password and am forced to come up with a new password — so I continue to keep a list of OLD and NEW passwords. For that reason, I try to K.I.S.S. when it comes to passwords.

I prefer easy-to-remember passwords like “password,” “vivspassword” or “mypassword.”

But because of security measures, that usually does not pass the muster. As a result, I can sometimes spend an entire afternoon on the computer, just trying to come up with an acceptable password.

My son, on the other hand, will change his password every five or six days just to make sure he is secure. One week he changed it from “<>catinhatprobe?/{678}=&!^%2jack@$$esDRAG78men2Jail<>” to “<>hatincatprobe?/{678}=&!^%2jack@$$esDRAG79men2Jail<>.”

When I wanted to use his laptop, it took three days and two nights just for him to relay the password.

Seriously — who’s got that kind of time? I’m not a young woman.

This is how I create a password:

web1_9.16-CBN-viv-column2-2c-c
To be creative when developing new passwords, one must first unlock the Windows of his mind.

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

VIV: password

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

VIV: passwords

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one numerical character.

VIV: 1password

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot begin with a numerical character.

VIV: password1

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one symbol.

VIV: password1!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: password1DAMMit!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

VIV: DAMN password1 and I hate you!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain blank spaces.

VIV: IamdrivingtoWINDOWScity, whereIwillstranglethelifeoutofyou-andleaveyou4dead!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation or hyphens.

VIV: IHATEU!IHATEU!IH8U!

WINDOWS: Sorry, you have already used that password and must create a new password.

VIV: @#$%!&1*@#$%@&&!HATEHATEHATEyou!

WINDOWS: That password is already taken.

— Viv Sade lives in Churubusco and is a lifetime member of the International Identity Thieves Do-Not-Call List.

Wild and Crazy: All in the Eyes of the Beholder

Scribbles by Viv, , , , , ,

by Viv Sade

I am no so much bothered by getting old − I much prefer it to the alternative − but I am extremely bothered by getting boring.

Take tonight, the 64th anniversary of my husband’s birth in LaPorte, Indiana — Home of the Slicers (a required phrase after the word “LaPorte,” according to Indiana statute).

We decided to use some gift cards we received for Christmas and take in a movie and then dine at a local steakhouse — not something we do very often.  We were both psyched.

In the old days, on a date like this, we would have whispered sweet nothings to each other in the theatre, left without the faintest idea as to the name of the movie, had two or three cocktails at the restaurant, skipped dinner altogether and hurried home because we could barely keep our hands off of one another.

brian-viv-tacky-tourists-ps
The author and her husband no longer think it’s funny to pose as Tacky Senior Tourists, since they are now living as TSTs.

As it was, we went to an early afternoon matinée, got the senior discount, waited in a loooong line behind other cost-conscious Baby Boomers, and shuffled into the theater, complaining to one another that it must be Senior Cinema Discount Day — until we realized that we were the seniors.

The movie was good, but one man in the back of the theater laughed loudly at every scene, and since it was not a comedy, this began to annoy my husband. He would roll his eyes and grumble under his breath every time the man chortled, which made me laugh out loud, causing me to became the Second Inappropriate Laugher.

Most theaters now have nice, cozy recliners instead of those uncomfortable plastic bucket seats, which would have been nice in my youth, but these days, after I recline and use my coat as a blanket, I start to nod off just minutes into the previews.

We tried to identify the Inappropriate Laugher on the way out of the theater, but it was impossible. Besides, people were nudging each other and casting sideway glances in our direction, obviously identifying me as the Second Inappropriate Laugher, so we ducked our heads and scurried out.

On the way to the restaurant, I told my husband not to try and turn left unless he went to the nearby stoplight, which he did not do, and I inhaled sharply and might have screamed just a little as he pulled out in front of a truck and veered into the right lane. He yelled and forbade me from ever breathing or inhaling loudly — or for God’s sake, screaming — anytime he is driving.

It unnerves him, he said.

Not as much as pulling into four lanes of heavy traffic unnerves me, I thought but did not say. It was his birthday, after all.

Alive against all odds and seated in the restaurant, I ordered the sirloin steak dinner and the spouse ordered grilled swordfish, since beef always precludes a bout of no-doubt gout.

It was good, except that the Chef’s Special swordfish came with a side dish of white beans and kale. I’m a kale lover, but my husband often refers to the leafy green as “punishment.” So when I saw the fish atop a heap of beans and kale, I laughed, even as he narrowed his eyes and stared longingly at my loaded baked potato. I instinctively moved it closer to my side of the table.

On the drive home, we both looked at the dash clock in awe. By the time we drove the 20 miles or so home and pulled into our driveway, it was exactly 5:05 p.m. What a lurid night — well, afternoon, really — of debauchery and reckless adventure!

This led to a Senior Reminisce Moment. Remember when we would drink too many gin and tonics, sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants, forget to eat, stay up talking and laughing until 3 in the morning and then go to work three hours later?

Collective sigh from the two young-at-heart seniors in the front seat of the Buick LeSabre parked in their driveway.

As it was, we roused ourselves from our melancholy and simultaneously gave each other “that look.” We both knew what the other yearned for and wanted so badly. We could not wait a minute more to get into the house, run to the bedroom, tear our clothes off and …

… put on our pajamas and slippers and watch the latest episode of “Shameless.”

 

 

 

 

 

Pillow Talk Leads to Marital Discord

Scribbles by Viv, , , , ,

by viv sade

My day does not go smoothly if the bed is not made to perfection every morning.

The guy who lives with me — only ’cause I guess that’s what married people do (who knew?)— would crawl out of the same heap of sweaty sheets and covers every day of the year and never smooth the linens, fluff the pillows, straighten the comforter or arrange the decorative pillows if he had his way. He would never, ever launder them.

“Why? We’re just going to mess them up again in 16 hours,” he says with real sincerity.

Bed making is a habit instilled in me by a mother who grew up during the Great Depression and had few luxuries like sheets, pillowcases or bedspreads. She would spend the rest of her life buying an excessive amount of linen while honing —  and teaching her children — the fine art of dscn5389quality bed making.

Here’s the rule: The first one downstairs in the morning feeds the cats and cleans out the litter box. The last one out of the bed makes the bed.

I am an early riser and the Significant Other is a late nighter so the bed making usually falls to him. He is not happy about this.

He reasons that while sustaining life (as in feeding the cats) is a necessity, making the bed is not. Besides, as he often points out, there are enough pillows to equip an entire Army Guard infantry regiment.dscn5386

The Sig Other is of the same opinion as Hoosier comedian Jim Gaffigan when it comes to making beds: “Making the bed is like re-tying your shoelaces after removing your shoes.”

I quit listening to S.O.’s grumblings years ago, so when I recently redecorated, he resorted to leaving notes stating his displeasure at the new comforter and decorative pillows.

The first note said, “I have had no formal training on what to do with this pillow. Zero!”pillow-note-bg

He later decided to rearrange the pillows according to his Man Eye, which is useless when it comes to chic decor concepts.

Instead of the casual, yet symmetrical combination of colors, textures and placement that I had pre-approved, he had mixed clashing hues and fabrics in an asymmetrical jumble.

My OCD went into overdrive. But since I also have ADD, it didn’t last long. pillow-talk

Our intimate, heartfelt pillow talks have continued over the years, although admittedly we have never resolved this issue.

Our pillow talks usually morph into colorful — yet chic and asymmetrical —pillow fights, and always end with S.O.’s astonished cry of, “You’ve got to be kidding me — another $#@%ing pillow?!”

 

 

 

 

Soothing Bubble Bath Turns Into Incinerating Mambo Dance of Death

Scribbles by Viv, , , , ,

After living 12 years in a home that did not have a tub, only a shower, we moved into a residence a few months ago that – oh my god – had a tub.

But, I usually habitually jumped in the shower and never gave the tub a second thought. I forgot I had a tub, even as I stood in it to take a shower.

Last weekend, while watching a movie where the female lead took a bubble bath surrounded by candles and sipped on a glass of wine as she soaked, I had an epiphany.

“Hey, I’ve got a tub! And I’ve got wine!”

Unfortunately, I also have ADD, which I forget to calculate into any speculative life skills operations.

It’s simple math.

One tub full of sudsy water + 5 lit candles + 3 glasses of wine + polycomposite plastic + ADD = Slippery Brains and Bath on Fire

Anyway, I was so excited at the prospect, I did not notice that the woman in the movie was in a very expensive, spa-type tub with a wide berth of marble enclosing three sides – perfect for setting candles and glasses of wine.

I have a narrow ledge around a polycomposite tub and enclosure with a plastic shower curtain liner hanging in close proximity.

(I’ve been working a long time to work polycomposite into a column.)

I started the water, adding a generous amount of bubbly.

I took a sip of wine.

I lit the candles.

I took off my clothes.

I had another sip of wine.

I took the shower curtain and liner and hung them on the door hook soon after I smelled something strange and the liner appeared extremely warm to the touch.

I took a big swallow of wine.

Wow. Something smelled toxic. I checked the shower curtain again and the toilet and under the sink.

Nothing.

I put cleansing cream on my face.

My white blood cells were dying. What was that smell?

OMG. I was out of wine.

I threw a towel around my torso and traipsed to the kitchen to reload.

I told my husband something stunk as I walked back to the bathroom. He agreed.

Back in the bathroom, I removed the towel.

I took a big gulp of wine.

I looked in the mirror to remove the face cream.

I saw flames a foot high behind me in the mirror.

I screamed.

It was coming from one of the lit candles I had set in the molded tub shelf that was meant for soap and other bath necessities which, I’m assuming, did not mean candles.

A THICK plexiglass bar – meant to hold washcloths – was less than two inches from the burning wick.

As the bar melted and dripped into the burning candle, it created shooting shards of fire. The smell was reminiscent of my childhood when the neighbor used to burn old tires in his back yard and stink up the entire town.

It was in an age before awareness of “carbon footprints.”

But, even then, my mother knew. She would make my brothers and me come into the house and then tell us not to breathe.

I violently smacked the candle into the bubble bath, slopping burning wax all over the tub walls and my BARE limbs.

I flopped around the bathroom, doing the naked, over-the-hill-woman-on-fire dance – painful and unattractive.

The candle was immediately extinguished, although the bar was black and dripping and would be warm to the touch an hour later.

I power-downed the glass of wine.

And then, I took a shower.

And no one is the wiser . . .

Cold Case Insomnia Causes Consistent Cussing

Scribbles by Viv, , , , , ,

The number of years I was a single parent outnumber the years I was married.

I’m not braggin’ or complainin’ — I’m ‘splaining.

I became quite adept at “manning up,” except for the times I was paranoid and psychotic, which was often.

Those times were usually preempted by a marathon TV viewing of true crime shows.

After watching six hours of serial killers and sociopaths methodically torture , murder and dump dead bodies — always in a sleepy little Midwestern town exactly like the one I lived in — I would lie in bed, wide-eyed and listening to what sounded like some random psychopath jimmying the deadlock bolt on my back door.

I scared myself senseless.

The interlobular, fraidy-cat nerve stimuli of my brain would multiply like rabbits — evil rabbits who pushed me into a black hole and caused me to dance with the (Stephen) King of Hearts.

Brain waves collided, noises amplified, shadows lurked, insomnia intensified, sanity imploded.

I wonder if the back door is locked? I need to double check – again.

1:38 a.m. I have got to go to sleep.

I never got that rebate check for the printer I bought last year. I know I sent that form in.

I wonder if the front door is double-bolted. I’ll check.

I need to cook that chicken before it goes bad.

Should I buy a gun?

Nah, I’d probably grab it instead of the alarm clock and blow my head off like that idiot who made all the headlines last year.

2:16 a.m. I’ve got to go to sleep.

Damn. What’s that silhouette on the window?

It looks just like that vampire kid who floated up to the third floor of a mansion in that Stephen King movie. Oooh, creepy; don’t think about it …

Is it wrong to pay one credit card with another?

No good. That vampire kid is outside my window, tapping on the glass and beckoning me with bloody fangs the size of barbecue tongs. Jeesh, think of something else …

What’s the difference between epoxy and glue, anyway?

Oh, I’d love to be an Oscar Mayer Wiener …

Damn. What was that?

Sounded like heavy breathing.

Some Scott Peterson-type just slithered through the kitchen and is on the staircase landing outside my door, waiting to slit my throat from ear to ear and throw my lifeless body in the bay.

Damn. It’s just the cat.

We don’t have a bay.

I’m going to stop cussing, starting tomorrow.

Damn. It is tomorrow.

2:59 a.m. – WIDE awake. WTF?

Do acronyms count as cussing?

The central, most powerful and all-encompassing dictator, indicator and ruler of government is the sewer system infrastructure.

OMG. The shadow on the wall is moving.

That cheesy, bacony, dippy thing Peggy made yesterday was really good. Wonder if she used mild or sharp cheddar?

That is what I’d really like to be …

Maybe I should go grab a butcher knife, just in case?

Maybe a strand of garlic?

3:33 a.m. – OK, seriously, I have GOT to Go. To. Sleep. Now.

Maybe I should get the kids up and go over our Family Emergency Evacuation Plan?

Cause if I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener …

I have way too many windows in this house. I should board up a few.

4:22 a.m. – Damn. Maybe I should just get up?

That life-size walking doll I had when I was 9 had really scary eyes. Like the vampire kid outside my window, wait, don’t think about it …

The eyes followed me and each time I entered my room, that damn toy was sitting in a different spot.

Smiling.

I need a new black purse.

Everyone would be in love with me …

5:23 a.m. Damn. Just get up.

——————————————————————

—   “I’ve always envied people who sleep easily.
Their brains must be cleaner,
the floorboards of the skull well swept,
all the little monsters closed up in
a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”
― David Benioff, City of Thieves

Choose the Road Less Traveled, Especially With Teenagers

Scribbles by Viv, , , , , ,

Beautiful sunsets make me cry. Newborn babies make me cry. Soldiers in uniform make me cry. Weddings — especially my own — make me cry.

But nothing makes me cry like teenagers.

And nothing makes me sob like teens that drive, except paying the insurance premiums for teens that drive.

I subscribe to the sage advice of two late, great female humorists who said, “The best way to keep teens at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires,” (Dorothy Parker); and, “Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth,” (Erma Bombeck).

It turns out I did not have to let the air out of the tires. The high price of petrol took care of that.

Baby boy, 16, ran out of gas on his way to take his driver’s license test at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles. It’s been downhill ever since.

A few days later, he was forced to hoof it about two miles after running out of gas.

More recently, I had to drive into the yard to get around his car because it ran out of gas in the middle of the driveway.

Not to make excuses, but he’s a lot like me.

His older 18-year-old brother does not run out of gas, but this is either: a) because he has a minimal amount of on-hand cash; b) because he’s learned the economical art of siphoning; or c) because he spends a lot of time crashing into things.

My fairly frequent and frantic conversations sound something like this:

To the 16-year-old: “No, you are not driving to school. It’s five blocks. I don’t care. Use an umbrella. When I was your age I could not afford gas or a car. Heck, I could not afford a bicycle. I walked several miles to school … Hullo? …  Hullo?”

To the 18-year-old: What? Your brakes failed and you drove over the fence and into the neighbor’s truck? The important thing is you were not hurt and did not run over the neighbor … you did not run over the neighbor, did you? You still have to go to school. Just walk. When I was a teen, I had no car. I had to bounce on a pogo stick all the way to school … Hullo?”

To the police: “That’s it – the Buick on top of the fence with the front end embedded in the neighbor’s truck. No, that bumper was already torn off from a previous fender-bender. And the back widow was already broken out after he locked his keys in the car and could not think of a better way to get inside.”

To the wrecker service: “That’s right, it’s the same Buick as last month. Just get it off of the fence and neighbor’s truck. The start key is broke off in the ignition, but if you jiggle it with a screwdriver, it should start.”

To the neighbor to the south: “They are my sister’s kids. I’m just helping her out.”

To the 16-year-old: “No more money for gas! There’s this thing in America called ‘a job.’ Try walking. When I was your age, I walked throughout the Midwest, planting apple seeds and wearing only a pan on my head. Okay, yes, that was Johnny Appleseed, but you are missing my point.”

To the 18-year-old: “Good grief! Your accelerator stuck? You drove through two neighbors’ yards and crashed into a cement fence post? The same neighbor? Different neighbor? That’s good. The important thing is that you are not hurt and no one was sitting on the fence post … no one was sitting on the fence post, right? I’ll take care of it. Yes, go to school. Just walk. Why, when I was your age … Hullo?”

To the wrecker service: “Yes, it’s the Buick – same one, but this time it’s to the north of our house, not the south. Remember how to jiggle the ignition? If you need something in the trunk, go through the back seat, because the latch is broken.”

To the police: “I know, I know. No one is hurt. Another fender-bender. No, I have not considered changing his name from Christopher to Crashtopher.”

To the neighbors to the north: “We are looking at houses in another state. Really.”

To the 16-year-old: “Okay, so far you are a better driver than your brother, but that’s because you never have enough gas to drive more than 25 feet. And no, I won’t reward you with $20.”

With the radio: “All of a sudden, a rod started knockin’, down in the depths, she started a-rockin’ … Well, they arrested me and put me in jail, I called my ma to make my bail and she said, “Son, you’re gonna drive me to drinkin’ if you don’t stop driving that Hot. Rod. Lincoln.’ ”

Or Buick.

To the insurance agent (in my best Dr. Evil voice): “So two teens plus two wrecks equals one mmeellllyun dollars?”

To the bartender: “Give me another. I’m walking.”

Paleo vegetarian serves up a lot of BS

Scribbles by Viv, , , , , , , ,

by viv sade

I have a friend who is a vegetarian, which is Latin for plantslayer. is-3

Between her and me — a 10-year gluten-free freak, which is Latin for painintheass — going to a restaurant is a big deal for us and an ordeal for the waitress.

We tip well. We have to, otherwise there would be toenails and saliva and god knows what else in our vegetable-oil-sauted-organic-gluten-free-tofu-steaks.

My friend— uh, let’s call her Becky — (NOTE: all names similar to or the exact same as my real friends are purely coincidental) — not only avoids all meat, but inquires as to whether or not the food is prepared with any animal products, such as a chicken stock base.  That’s too much work for me. Being gluten free is like following a paleo (think: Caveman) diet. This is Indiana. Throw a half a cow on a platter and call it a day. Double-deep fry a stick of butter in pig fat and I’m good to go.is-5

Becky is not a vegetarian because she loves animals. She is a vegetarian because she hates plants.

I’ve never been able to diet and I suck at exercising. The second I think “D-I-E-T,” I crave a triple Big Mac with double bacon. And, I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I know people who swear by the Atkins Diet and have lost a tremendous amount of weight, which is nothing short of a miracle. I mean, geesh, have you seen what those people eat?!is-1

Daily Atkins Menu

Breakfast: Deep fried sow, scrambled eggs in heavy cream sauce and a dozen cheese sticks

A.M. snack: Four pounds of bacon and a wheel of Colby with whipped cream

Lunch: Two lambs, three ducks and a partridge in a pear tree

P.M. snack: Pork crackling nachos with whale blubber and ostrich egg and butter salsa

Dinner: A black Angus steer and two cheesecakes with pork rind crusts

Bedtime snack: Elk pate′ and two 24-inch cheese crust pizzas topped with hamburger, ham, pepperoni, sausage, a triple layer of  mozarella and a large bowl of whipping creamis-2

Atkins followers are single-handedly to blame for the extinction of the animal species.

I have to admit, at recent dinner parties I have been serving Atkins-type meals. My plan is to fatten up everyone else around me so that I will look thinner.

This is not hard to do when one considers that the casket adds 165 pounds to the ones who have keeled over with a heart attack.